A Month Has Passed

Since my last entry. How have I been? Well, ok and I'm still in touch with the ex. The last time we were together he hugged me right before parting -- we had merienda. He said "You take care of yourself". For a while I thought we still have a chance, and then I had to stop myself because I could just be making myself believe.

I try to get better everyday. And I do my best to focus on just me. I've seen a shrink to help with the depression. Let's see where this goes. I feel like dead fish sometimes, and a friend who hasn't seen me in a long time said I was less bubbly and that I don't smile / laugh anymore. I need to regroup. This quarterlife crisis sucks big time. I need to find myself all over again.

The Storm

The country was ravaged by typhoons for two straight weekends and instead of helping, all I could think of was how to get my life back. My life with him. All of a sudden all the hurt and the kapalpakan were gone, my discontentment erased and washed away like the flood washed away a fifth of Metro Manila's possessions. Why oh why oh why.

My ex is a good person, he's the most decent person I know. He is not interested in the shallow life, in the see-and-be-seen crowd. Neither is he into the world's rat race of who has the latest gadget and biggest toy. He speaks to me about history, and philosophy, about love and tragedy. But he's not as emotional as me. In fact he's not emotional at all.

It has been such a rough time for me. More so now, I feel the crash. I didn't process the break up much as it was happening, and after it happened. I feel the I-hope-not-to-wake-up-tomorrow blues only now: I couldn't get out of bed, and I feel like dying, drinking xonrox for that matter. In a way I have been feeling like this for a while now, maybe the past year. And so I think, was the break up a manifestation of my loneliness and discontent about my life as a whole, and not really a reason for me being so. Who knows the answers to these things.

Last night I spoke to him, he didn't want to come back anymore. He said he didn't love me enough to try again and come back. I asked him if he was getting over me. After a long pause he said "You know I will." And then he put the phone down on me. I guess that's that. Or is it.

My grand plan for all this is that we take the time apart and think, and change. I have been to harsh on him and was unappreciative. He felt like he always had to prove himself to me. He in turn lacked the leadership I longed for, and other traits that belonged to a man. When we broke up I wished for him to grow, to spread his wings, to be alive and to dare. There's probably no way of turning back from that, what's said is said. But I have hope and faith, that it'll be us still in the end.

I am now in the process of letting go, grieving and letting go. Of accepting the fact that there is a girl out there better suited for him. And that he'll date others. And that he will get over me. This getting over is shit. I don't know how to cope. I'm so sorry, I wish I were kinder. I wish I had been kind.

Hello World

Here is my attempt at healing a broken heart. I have no intentions of revealing my identity, nor any grand illusions that this blog will be followed by many. I simply want to be able to write again, to connect to the written word, and maybe use what little communication skill I have to inspire the nameless, faceless entities that will come across this bit in cyberspace.

I just broke up with my boyfriend of three++ years. We shall now refer to him as Ex. And I cheated on him in the process. Well, the emotional affair started maybe a week or two before I broke it off with him. I kissed the other guy and told Ex a few days later. I couldn't bear not telling him. What do you know, I'm really not much of a liar (how ironic, yes yes).

I refuse to believe I'm a cheat either. I mean, it's something I did, not who I am. More on those things later on. These are just preliminaries so hold your horses (as if! Who's reading this anyway).

So going back to this blog, what's my grand plan anyway? For one it's to find myself again. And maybe share some of photography, some favorite quotes and music, and of course my two-cents on life in general. A part of me feels so small, hello, I live in a third-world country, and as of maybe three weeks ago, am newly alone. But then a part of me feels huge, and brave, because there's a certainty that whatever I feel / felt, has been felt and known by someone else presently or in history.

Here's to starting a new, albeit anonymous, adventure.